Freelance Gig: Highland Square Tattler

More freelance work. I have been commissioned by the Highland Square Tattler to cover a recent slew of squirrel “incidents” in the area. I hesitate to call them attacks because the last thing we need is a Jaws-like panic in the streets just as we’re heading into the warm, Block Party season. So taking a little journalistic license, I have decided to call these encounters attackcidents. I think this phrase walks that fine, piano wire line between calling a thing what it is without calling it what it is. Yes?

A few days after the incident, camera in hand I paid a visit to Highlanders Gil and Tanya Shelby to learn firsthand about their ordeal. When they greeted me at the door, I could tell by the dark circles under their eyes there were still living the nightmare.

(interview transcript)

HST: I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with me. I know it can’t be easy. If we could begin with the attackcident? How it happened?

Tanya: The what?

HST: Tell me what happened.

Tanya: I was walking Eggo our dog, and I remember I was singing to myself that Hips Don’t Lie song, and then my hair I thought was tangled in a branch so I reached up and felt this hairy head and the feet with those scratchy toenails just sort of began to dance about my head. And the chattering … I will never forget it. Eggo went crazy and at that moment I realized it was a squirrel and the tail kind of wrapped around my face right across my nose. I swear it was trying to suffocate me. Gil my husband heard my screams and came running from the house waving his arms. The squirrel sprang down and glanced off Eggo giving him a nasty bite and scratch and he scurried into the street and I could see he had tufts of my hair in his hands that made it look like he was holding pom poms and I thought that was funny but I was too scared to laugh. I always trusted squirrels, maybe because Hollywood makes them cute in movies. But that’s not reality anymore. Not for me. Or Eggo.


HST: Mr. Shelby? Gil? What went through your mind seeing this squirrel, clearly insane, on your wife’s hair? Gil?

(End of transcript)

Clearly the husband was ashamed as if he should have somehow been able to prevent it. As a proud strong man myself I have felt this helplessness too.Throughout our interview he tried a few times to tell his side of the story but his voice would always trail off as would his gaze and he looked away. Most likely with secret tears welling in his prideless eyes. I asked a few more questions about rumors of other attackcidents in the neighborhood. Gil, sitting near his wife, remained ashamed. Trying once more to speak through his shame, Gil opened his mouth to speak but finally just slumped into the couch and looked off as he envisioned who knows what kind of squirrel mayhem.

How many other cases have gone unreported? I don’t know. But the Shelby’s story makes four in the last month. As the great Dick used to say, the game’s afoot. I will be publishing ‘roughs’ as we call them in the trade on my Blog and you can keep up with the complete story in the Highland Square Tattler – a bi-weekly newspaper of compelling human interest stories.